Ingrid does not have time for your silly games.
Joseph is bathing in Egyptian sand, the finest of all sands.
Jennifer is going to follow you around all day until you do something silly. Then she’s going to tootle with laughter. Because that’s how she rolls.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Julio made another funny. He’s so damned popular that guy.
You know, David’s the first camel ever to get into Harvard. That’s David. My son David. *ahem* MY son.
Hank has never left the beautiful US of A. If he did though, he’d be sure to chant U S A, U S A, U S A, U S A, U S A, U S A, U S A, U S A, U S A, U S A, U S A, U S A, U S A, U S A, U S A. All day long.
Henry and Martha are, like, TOTALLY in love. And they’re going to let you know about it with their smug nibbling at YOUR FUCKING PARTY.
Faustino lives in Camden, and is fucking cool man. You wouldn’t understand.
Marcus can live in the desert for days without water. Can you? Eh? Can you? No. Didn’t think so.
Hubert can control humans with his mind. He’s pretty smug about the fact.
Khalid Aboul Karim doesn’t run to time. Time runs to Khalid Aboul Karim.
Dana: “Umm, yes, this IS an authentic Alexander McQueen hat. It’s, like, so rare he made it after he died.”
Gus is sure he’s the first person who ever thought to do this.
Greta never poses for the camera. She’s just a natural.
Jack got a new “edgy” jacket from Camden market, designed to look like a Sudanese man and a bike.
Mark, Petra and Mila are going to have a threesome and you are not invited.
Francis got his nose pierced at a Full Moon Party in Phuket and you didn’t.
Digby has just had a perm, and he bloody loves it.
Vic drives a hybrid and is therefore definitely going to heaven.
Edward’s rented fancy dress costume is much better than your homemade piece of crap.
"Hi! Soz missed ur call erlier. Am in Thailand on beach. Sun shining! Wish u were hr. G2G now off 4 massage w/ real authentc thai person. CU in a few months."
Tony just had a shit, shower and a shave.
June: “OMG. It’s, like, so weird that you have to drink Diet Coke to stay thin. I must just be naturally thin.”
Ryan just made a funny about seeing a camel toe.
William finds your digital camera hilarious because it’s only 5 megapixels.
Cherie only eats natural products that have been hand-reared by carbon-neutral Bolivian babies with sun tan lotion on.
James has a triple-barrelled name because he is that much better than everyone.
Bobi spells his name with an ‘i’ so people know he is unique and trendy.
Ian will get an iPhone 5 long, long before you will because he, like, knows Steve Jobs personally.
"OMG I’m like SO in Egypt whilst you are at work. Here’s an e-card with a photo of me just to ram that point home."
Francesca will never look you straight in the eye, just distantly into her amazingly life-affirming past that you will never experience however much you true.
Ishmael likes to post pictures of himself having fun and relaxing on the beach on Facebook. He tags them with all his friends just so they can see what a lovely time he is having.
Uma and Rob enjoy a good old fashioned smug shag in front of a crowd.
Graham’s favourite word is “nyahhhh”.
Look Martha, we get that you’ve done charity work in the past. We get that you’ve run desert marathons in aid of cancer. But there’s no need to shit smug about it.
If Pete could describe himself in three words, it would be: I’m fucking awesome.
Hector never shuts up about his Gap Yah, even 7 years on.
Sandford just got an A for a Maths test and wants EVERYONE to know about it. Look at him, the smug c*nt.